A Sacred Text for the Devoted Disciples of Pleasure
I. Thou shalt have no vanilla before me.
For I am a jealous deity, and I did not labor in lashes and lace for you to settle for missionary mediocrity.
II. Thou shalt not worship false fantasies.
If he “doesn’t do foreplay,” he’s not a god—he’s a red flag.
III. Thou shalt not take By Josyln’s name in vain—unless gasping it mid-climax.
Moaning is a prayer. Screaming is devotion. Speaking in tongues? Blessed and highly favored.
IV. Remember the aftercare and keep it holy.
A king (or queen) leaves no lover unwrapped, unhydrated, or untexted.
V. Honor thy kinks and thy curiosities.
For repression is the devil’s work, and your safeword is your salvation.
VI. Thou shalt not murder the mood with bad lube.
Dry spells are for deserts, not desires. Invest accordingly.
VII. Thou shalt not commit the sin of performative pleasure.
If you’re faking it, you’re failing it. Demand what thou art owed.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal—unless it’s his hoodie after avery successful night.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and that includes his best sweatpants.
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness in the group chat.
If it was a 5, do not call it a 10. The sisterhood deserves accuracy.
X. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s toy collection.
If it vibrates, pulsates, or rotates in ways that defy physics, ask for a product link. Sharing is caring.
Go forth, be messy, be marvelous, and may your WiFi always connect when you need it most.